10 year old: Test Anxiety & Social Pressure
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Dr. Laura,
We have just returned home from parents evening and are worried about our 10-year-old daughter. Her teacher has noticed a change in attitude and behaviour over the last few months to the point where she is being rude to adults and disruptive in class, resulting in her being sent out. Her teacher says she seems very angry.
After having talked with her at length, and reading between the lines, there seems to be two underlying causes to her behavior.
Firstly, she is very concerned about being left out of her friendship group and of what her friends say behind her back. The outbursts of anger at school seem to be happening when she feels that what is being asked of her might put her in a position where these things can occur, and incidentally, these changes in behavior coincide with change in friendship groups.
Secondly she feels she can obtain a higher level in the literacy test than she is being put in for but does not believe she is capable of achieving the maths level she is being put in for and incidentally, it is during maths the majority of the disruption is happening. I can see she is trying to fit in with a new group if friends and this is important to her; hormones are kicking in and she feels the pressure of the upcoming exams in school.
How do we help her deal with all this so she is in better control of her emotions, and consequently, her behavior at school?
Sounds like you have two issues. First, the preteen friend group/social issue. Second, the test anxiety.
As far as the social issue goes, welcome to the world of preteen girls. This is such tough stuff!
I would be her listening board on a daily basis. Bite your tongue and just let her blow off steam. When possible, after she has off-loaded verbally, get her laughing. That lowers her anxiety level.
Help her articulate in each instance how she is feeling. What is being asked of her? What are her choices? What might she choose? What might happen then?
Help her notice the pressure to fit in, and the compromises she feels forced to make. Are those worth it?
These discussions will work best to help your daughter grow if you can resist lecturing her. Instead, let her talk, ask questions, help her discover her own inner compass. You can't bypass this stage of development, but you can support her through it in a way that strengthens her awareness and good judgment -- and keeps her from acting out so much as well.
To address the test anxiety, I would start by speaking with the teacher. Why is she begin put in for a level that she doesn't feel ready for? How can she learn the skills she needs? Would it help to have a few sessions of tutoring in math? If she isn't anxious about it, she will act better leading up to it and she will do better on it.
And, why isn't she being put in for a higher level in the literacy test? The teacher needs to talk with her about this so she understands, or this will lower her self-esteem.
Finally, your daughter is getting angry at school to the point where she is acting inappropriately. She needs more inner resources so that she can cope with the increasing demands of her academic and social world as she gets older. To help her build inner resources, be sure that you're doing daily Preventive Maintenance. Put some work into helping her develop the anger management skills that all of us need to handle the challenges of daily life. And be sure that you're connecting with her every day so that she knows that life can be hard -- but you're always there for her, and she can do hard things with your support.
