Curing Sibling Rivalry with Angry Big Brother
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Dr. Laura,
I am really struggling with my four-year-old son. I feel as if
I'm the worst mother in the world. I'm just at a loss with him.
He has often been angry and aggressive in the past toward his three-year-old brother. Since I have started using the tools you suggest, in
some ways he's been a little bit better (less angry), but
in other ways he's stayed the same or become more intense. He's been
crying a bit more, which is good - but his overall well-being doesn't
seem to be improving. His anger still comes out: he gets mad and throws
an object, yells, or hits when things don't go the way he wants - but I
think it's actually getting better slowly.
What
is concerning to me is that he's starting to verbalize that he wishes his little brother was not around. One night this week he
crawled into our bed around midnight, which
is pretty typical, but this night he wanted to chat a bit.
Specifically, he wanted to know if we could sell his brother. When I hugged
him tight and asked him why he wanted us to sell his brother, he said he was
tired of him ruining his coloring. When I told him that we could
never sell his brother, and hugged him and told him how much we love him and
that having a brother will never change that he just cried these big,
whopping tears and kept repeating that he wanted us to get rid of his brother.
Two days later, in the car on the way to play at the mall play area, he very calmly told me that he wishes he would die. I'd never heard
him say such a thing, so I asked him what made him say that and he said
he was tired of his brother ruining his coloring. His brother was sitting next to him
and was very upset. So I calmly told him
that dying meant never being able to color or play or see us, and he
said, "I know. I want to be
dead since I can't color anyway. And I don't want to talk about it."
I just told the boys that I love them both and that we
will work on making everyone feel better and the topic changed.
When
we arrived at the mall a few minutes later, both boys seemed happy to be
there, we got out of the car without incident and were crossing the
parking lot when his sandal came undone. He didn't get upset, but
he stopped to put it back on, I was holding his hand and I told him to
just pick it up and keep going. He said, "I don't want my flip flop to
get run over" and I said, "No, of course not, neither do I. I just want
you to pick it up and put it on over on the sidewalk so that YOU don't
get run over!" He replied with, "But, I want a truck to run me over so
I'll be dead." I couldn't help it, tears sprung to my eyes.
When we
got on the sidewalk I hugged him and told him I love him. We went into
the mall
and he crawled under one of the play bridges and wouldn't play with
anyone. When I crawled under the bridge to check on him he was so happy
and he hugged me and told me he didn't want me to go because he "needed
a friend." I told him that there were lots of kids there who wanted to
play with him, but he said he didn't like "those weirdos." I really
didn't fit under the bridge and my feet kept tripping the other children
so I had to move, and I told him he could come sit on the bench with me,
but he didn't want to. He stayed under the bridge until we left the
play area.
I've been
struggling since I'm feeling so defeated. I've lost my
temper a couple times with the boys and yelled at them. But I've always
apologized for losing my cool and told them that mommies make mistakes
too and that what I did was not nice. I know it doesn't erase the
event, but I tried to
make it better. I just feel like no matter how hard I try, my oldest is a
miserable kid and it's making it so hard to keep trying. I can't take
how mean he is. He really hurts his brother, and he really hurts us.
I hug and cuddle and love him as much as humanly possible. I play
with him, I run around with him, I've cancelled playdates with younger
kids that upset him - and yet he says he wants to die. I don't want to
be melodramatic, but what makes a 4 year old say such a thing? Can he be
serious? Do I pay that kind of statement more attention? Less
attention? I don't know. I don't know what to do
the next time it happens.
It's deeply upsetting to hear your four-year-old say he wants to die, and to watch him act hurtfully toward his three-year-old brother. Here's what I think is happening.
These feelings aren't new for him. He has had them a long time, and they were previously emerging as aggression. Now, since you've changed your parenting approach, he's feeling more comfortable showing those feelings directly. He feels safer, which is why he's crying more and being angry a bit less.
But the fear and desperation underneath the anger are now more obvious, both to you and to him. Right now, you're responding to his behavior—saying he wishes he were dead and wants to get rid of his brother. Naturally, you respond as any of us would—aghast, scared that there's something wrong with your son or that you're a terrible mother.
Let's pause here and not just react. Instead, let's reflect on the meaning behind his behavior.
I believe he was very young when his brother was born, and he reacted to this with grief and desperation. Almost certainly, he felt terrible fear—maybe you didn't love him as much as this baby. (We know this because most of the time when kids are angry, it's a cover for fear.) He wanted his brother gone, but since that was impossible, he became so depressed that he wanted to die himself. Unable to express these feelings, he suppressed them, which fueled his anger.
Of course, he's not the only child who has ever felt this way. Many older siblings resent younger ones or make their lives difficult. Sometimes they grow closer but remain competitive. Sometimes they never feel close. But it doesn't have to stay this way.
While all siblings experience rivalry, they also feel love. Our goal as parents is to heal the rivalry so love can flourish. We start by making it safe for our older child to share his feelings about the younger one. Ideally, this begins early. (I remember my four-year-old saying about his newborn sister: "I hate her. I don't know why. I just do." He also asked to send her back—yet they're now very close.)
I don't know how much your son expressed these feelings initially, but he was very young when his brother arrived, making it harder. It's also VERY difficult for children to share their parents—harder for some kids than others.
Now, he is feeling safer to show you those feelings. In my professional opinion, it's positive that this is coming up. It shows your new parenting tools (Special Time, empathy, etc.) are helping him feel safer with you, so he's trying to heal these feelings he's been carrying. These emotions have been causing him to act angrily and push you away. That's not who he wants to be. He doesn't truly want to be hateful toward his brother—he just wants to feel better and can't imagine how, unless his brother disappears. So failing that, he thinks he might as well die.
Your job is to help him heal these festering wounds so he can feel good even with his brother in his life. And yes, that's absolutely possible.
What can you do?
1. Work on your own feelings about this.
You won't help your son effectively if you're shocked and frightened by his feelings. He is not actually a mean, miserable kid.
He is your precious son who is struggling with some feelings that are making him miserable, with
which he needs your help. Of course, I understand your feelings, and
that you need support, too. Find someone non-judgmental to talk with who will simply listen and provide empathy.
2. Step up the Special Time.
The more one-on-one time with you
pouring your love, acceptance, appreciation and adoration into him, the
better. It will remind him of what he has lost, and trigger those
feelings to come up to heal. And it will help him feel safe enough for
those hurting feelings to surface.
3. Welcome the upsets.
The more he cries, the better. The more he
gets a chance to thrash around and sweat and push against something, the
better. That fear is locked in his body and needs release.
4. Get his rational brain involved.
He needs a story to make sense of these feelings. Use the candle metaphor: Here is your love (the flame.) You light his candle - here is your love for him. Then you light another candle - your love for his brother. None of the flames are diminished by lighting another. He needs to hear, over and over, that you love him; that you could never love anyone more.
5. When he says mean things about his brother, reflect "Sometimes you wish you had me all to yourself."
What you did when he crawled into your bed was perfect. It is GREAT that you helped him feel safe enough to cry those big tears. If his brother is present, add "We are all a family together. Sometimes each of you gets time with me all to yourself, and that is wonderful. And sometimes we get time all together and that is wonderful to me, too."
Don't allow meanness toward his brother. Say: "In this house, you can feel as mad as you want, but we aren't mean to each other. Your brother isn't causing these feelings—these are your feelings. I'll help you with them, you can tell me everything about them, but you can't hurt your brother."
Frequently say things like "You can be mad at someone and still love them."
When he says he wants to die, calm your own upset and reflect his feelings: "You must feel so very sad and mad, Sweetie....sometimes you feel that bad, huh? Oh, come here and let me hold you." Hopefully, this will help him cry and release those emotions.
Hang in there. You're not causing this. Having your second son was a fine thing to do. Your oldest WILL get past this. He just needs a little help from you.
You can see that one of the keys to healing this situation is for you to be able to accept your son's feelings. That means the real work starts inside your own mind and heart. I think once he feels heard and accepted and understood --even though nothing changes outside -- he grieves and moves on. He's allowed to grieve. That's how our hearts heal.
Start with addressing your own anger toward him. Under that anger is fear that he's inherently mean and will never change. Deeper still is your fear of being a bad mother. Give yourself compassion and accept all these feelings. Then remind yourself that your son isn't bad—just struggling—and needs your help.
Process these emotions, and you'll become more accepting of his feelings, which will help him accept what he's experiencing. And like all feelings, once accepted, they dissipate, and we move on.
As your son will, with your help.
