Step-Parenting

Dear Dr. Laura,
Hello I'm 14 and my step dad and mom are separated but I still go to his house. He was the only dad figure I've had in my life since I was 5 so I still go to his house with my 5 yr old brother (his blood son) and he wanted to take my phone away because it was a school night and he didn't want me on it all night but he doesn't pay the bill, my mom does! I told him that! And so he took my phone charger that's mine too-my mom payed for it. So can he do that? What if something happens and I need the cops or something?

Dr. Laura,
Things last night got pretty rough again between BF's daughter and myself. I can't take the disrespect that I get: the constant mouth, the general attitude. I really feel as though she is going to push BF and I apart. He supports my decisions with regard to discipline or anything of that nature, but she is constantly trying to push me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at the end of my rope. I think that sometimes it would just be easier if it were just the baby and I. I love BF so much... but I can't keep living like this.

No punishment makes a difference. We have tried grounding, removal of items of interest, physical training (boot camp style, lol), reasoning (yeah that totally didn't work), etc. I just don't know what to do. I hate going home in the evenings because I dread the way the night is going to go. It inevitably ends with some sort of argument/additional punishment between either myself and K or BF and K.

She is disrespectful, tells lies (about stupid things.... did you eat the last poptart. Response, no... as she is hiding it under her arm.), steals (she was caught stealing a really large stuffed animal from a resort we were at last week). There are just so many other things. She brought home a 13/20 spelling test the other day and thought that was good! WTH? My mom would have beat my butt for that. She is in constant trouble at school, barely passing her classes, but yet never seems to have homework when you ask her about it.

And the answer to the question... can't she go back to her moms? Her mom has told BF that she doesn't want her back.

Dr. Laura,

First time with outside feedback but need to know more because I'm not used to being around a child or disciplining and or rewarding.

I am 27 and she is 23. I have been with her for 14 mos. She is 6 mos pregnant with my child. So her 5 year old son who is fairly shy the other day was playing with his friend and I looked over he had all of the dvds and games in a line and they were running up and down on top of them all in a row. I told them to stop and asked them to pick the games and dvds up because they cost a lot of money and they could easily break them and it was wrong.

After whispering in each others ears they both decided and told me NO!! So I told them that they have 1 more chance to pick them up otherwise I would pick them up and they could no longer use the games (mine anyways, he has a Wii I have an xbox and games which are about $50 a piece ).

So today he comes to the house for the first time since it happened (he's here about 50% of the time). The incident was 3 days ago. He says to me when I walk in the door "I'm sorry for stepping on your games" and I thank him for his apology and tell him it meant a lot to me. I take a shower and he then says" lets play the game" and I tell him "sorry buddy u cant play the game because u were stepping on them but since u apologized I will let u play it tomorrow. I did this after thinking about maybe saying a week but that's too long and even 3 days he may not realized the distance but I wasn't really sure. What I did know is he knows tomorrow and I wanted him to realize that if u do something wrong to other peoples things you cant just say sorry and do whatever you want.

He then goes to her room and says I wont let him play and she tells me I should have said yes because of how hard it is for him to apologize. At this point I don't want to argue I already feel bad and I go in the room and lock the door so I can be alone for a little while ( not something I do just didn't want us 3 in the same room due to some negativity and anger I thought leaving for a bit would help).

She knocks on the door and is upset that I could hurt her sons feelings like that and because of it she would question my future fatherhood because of it. I decide I have nothing to say and I feel I was right and that she shouldn't make me feel bad or take his side instantly because he apologized. Granted he really doesnt do much wrong at all but I feel breaking other peoples things is something to be careful with. She then leaves with him and goes to her mothers house.

Please give me some help not really sure what to do but I feel 100% right on this but Ive been wrong before and I dont know what to do. thank you and whether good or bad reply if I'm wrong I'll admit to her and apologize.

My partner has an 8 year old from a previous relationship. She lives 200 miles away with her mother but sees her dad every other weekend / holidays etc.

I am expecting in Oct and when we've raised the topic of a baby brother or sister she reacts very negatively. Her mother has previously said to us that she doesn't want her ex (my partner) to have another child and has told the 8 year old that it would mean her dad wouldn't have time for her anymore / wouldn't love her as much.

My partner is worried about telling his daughter - despite the fact that I think her reaction will be fairly shortlived so long as he ensures she knows she's loved, feels involved in the pregnancy and he continues to see her every other weekend. I do not believe that my partner and his ex will be able to sit down and discuss this rationally - and am 99% certain that his ex will make it as difficult for us as possible unfortunately by using her own child.

I am looking for some books (that the 8 year old can read herself and also that we can give to grandparents and her mother) which would help explain the situation to her from an independent perspective which might lessen the impact of what her mother will be telling her?

Dr. Laura,

My stepdaughter's mother died recently. She's in therapy and is able to talk about some feelings but is still having a lot of trouble expressing anything other than something like "happiness" at home.  I'm a psychotherapist and am trying to work with her every few days, or so, on tuning in to what she's feeling inside herself. This isn't usually very fruitful. I've bought her an excellent guided journal - to help teens talk about the loss of someone very special to them. She doesn't like to do this, won't do it unless prompted, and then doesn't want to share what she's written - though we've seen it and it's always a very white washed, positive version of her mother and what happened.

When I simply ask how she feels, she says "sad" but is smiling or doesn't seem sad. Rarely - maybe 5 times since her moms death - she's cried, for about a minute or two. I know part of it is that she'd really been losing her mom for a long time - emotionally never had her. She lived with her though, every other week until about 1.5 yrs ago. 

I also know that this is just how she is. She's never shown many emotions, especially painful ones. Her dad is also not good at this. Both parents have taught her to show the happy emotions and not much else. I'm trying to teach dad and get him to take the lead. Around the time of the death, he cried openly many times in front of her. That seemed to help, but now that she's died and the crisis is past, he's back to business as usual and all of my attempts to get a daily moment of remembrance have fallen by the wayside, when left up to him to initiate. She really follows his lead, not mine.

I'm worried that this will all build up and she'll end up a mess later on. Sometimes I start to believe what her mask looks like - she's fine. She's just taking her mother's death in stride. but that seems crazy - it was her mother! Even though she was never her primary attachment, it was still her mother. Any ideas you have about how to help her through this are much appreciated. Her therapist doesn't seem to be able to address how shut down she is emotionally.
Thank you!

Dear Dr.,

My 12 yr old and her step father can't seem to get along. My husband will consistently criticize my daughter, keep telling me that she will not do well in school, will do drugs, get pregnant and drop out of school. She has a 76% grade average. She has promised me that she will work harder to bring up her marks in school. I have been seeing how hard she's trying lately, but my husband doesn't see it.

My daughter hates her stepdad, because of his negative thinking towards her, and because she has heard us argue many times about these things. My husband is very judgmental towards her. He feels that I'm too easy on her. Well maybe I am, but she knows how important it is to get a good education, I remind her of that all the time. He makes me feel that I am not doing a good job.

I also have a 17 yr "A" student. I believe that my 12 yr old will also become an "A" student. She would much rather hang out with her friends and spend time on the computer then homework. She has a certain amount of time on the PC and has to be home at a certain time. I have plenty of rules.

My husband's 17 yr old (not living with us) is not an "A" student. His youngest for the past 3 yrs has had to attend summer school to bring his marks up. So I feel like...How dare he judge me about my daughter? I also feel that my 12 yr is just screaming out for a "Father figure." Her dad is in another province, and her stepdad is not giving her the affection she so desires from him. How can I bring these 2 together ?

I feel that if I could just get him to love her, then she would have such a totally different outlook on life. She seems so depressed. But there's only so much that I can do. I spend time with her before bedtime, our alone time. I know that helps, but she needs more. He never wants to do anything as family fun either. Please help me to help my daughter and husband to get along and respect each other.
Worried Mom