Are you a step-parent? In the United States, approximately 20% of households have at least one stepparent, and about 16% of children are living in a blended family with a stepparent, step-sibling, or half-sibling.
If you are a step-parent, you're choosing to show up as a parent, without the biological imperative of this being your own child. That's hard work, and you have to earn your influence, every day. Because your step-child has history before you came along, and you don't automatically have the authority of a parent, you have to up your parenting game several notches just to get the respect every parent deserves.
Everything on this website applies to you as a step-parent, just as it applies to all parents. That means that your top priorities are CALM, CONNECT and COACH (instead of trying to control the child through threats, bribes or punishment.) But all of this will be harder for you than for most parents, because your step-child will, quite naturally, need you to prove your positive intentions over and over again.
So I have some special advice for you as a step-parent.
- Your job is to be a warm, emotionally generous, compassionate adult in your step-child's life. Discipline is NOT part of your job description. When you think discipline is necessary, speak with your partner about it. That is solely their role.
- Focus on building the relationship first. Build habits of connection into daily life with your step-child, even if they don't seem interested. Assume that all the emotional labor needs to come from you for a long time, to build trust and fill your relationship bank account. (Your partner has been filling their relationship bank account with their child since birth!)
- Don't take any negativity from your step-child personally. No matter what. Your step-child has baggage and history that has nothing to do with you. Take a deep breath, step away, and let go of that hurt. It is not yours to carry.
- Any time you get irritated, use your pause button. "Stop. Drop and breathe." Stop what you're doing, drop your agenda, and do some slow breathing. This de-activates your stress hormones and gives your thinking brain a chance to reassert itself with a helpful mantra like "He's not giving me a hard time; he's having a hard time." This is an essential skill for all parents, but applies even more for stepparents, who need to build trust.
- Understand your own triggers. Being mindful of your own emotional reactions is essential, especially as a stepparent. Any time your child pushes your buttons, he's showing you an unresolved issue from your own childhood.
- Discuss parenting with your partner often--but only in private. Remember that your partner has more "skin in the game" and defer to them. Your role is to support them. See yourself as an eager student, not an authority, on what this unique child needs, and how best to support both the child and your partner.
- Recognize that you're initially operating on influence borrowed from your partner, the biological parent. Over time, your commitment to showing up with love will build a strong relationship with your step-child, and will create genuine influence and authority that comes through relationship, not position.
Easy? No. This is even harder than parenting a biological child. But it's a fast-track to personal growth, and makes a huge difference in the life of your step-child. You have my deep admiration. You're earning your angel wings, every day.
