Are you feeling a bit drained by life, and things you can't control? Maybe, for instance, your child's behavior?
That's not unusual for parents. Kids can be exhausting. Your baby resists diaper changes, your two year old runs away from you in the park, your three year old only likes white food, your four year old shrieks when there’s a tag in her clothing, your five year old wets the bed. And if you have a child who's neurodivergent or or anxious or strong-willed, then their behavior may often require saintly self-control on your part.
And we haven’t even started with the challenges of struggling with health, finances, and work. How can we “feel good" when life has so many obstacles?
The bad news is, life will never be perfect. Sure, there are transcendent moments, but most of the time, our days are filled with small hurdles.
The good news -- and yes, this really is good news! -- is that you get stronger and learn invaluable lessons from coping with each of those challenges. Yes, even the tantrums and homework struggles. Life, especially life with children, transforms us for the better, if we let it. You can do hard things, and that heavy lifting is what grows your heart muscle and your resilience.
The even better news is, life doesn't have to be perfect to be perfectly wonderful. The secret is in our attitude. If you want to fight with life, be my guest. There are certainly times when each of us needs to rant about the unfairness of it all. But there is sometimes great wisdom in accepting things we cannot change. And there is always growth in finding ways to appreciate what's good about where we find ourselves.
Life is too short to spend it armored with resistance. Even if you want to change something, you’ll be more effective from your centered, loving self than from your angry or frightened self.
The paradox is that when you can find a way towards more love, how you experience the situation will change. Our new way of relating to the situation seems to loosen the tight knot, allowing things to begin to evolve in a better direction. In fact, sometimes that change in ourselves makes us so much happier that we might look back in gratitude at the difficult circumstance that spurred us to change. (Yes, really!) Here’s how.
1. What do you find unpleasant?
Identify what's draining you. Do you find it excruciating to take your child to the playground and push the swing? Find a way to make it fun for yourself. Connect more with your child, or use it as a sort of moving meditation. Do you find diaper changing unpleasant? Use this as connection time to look into your baby's eyes and tell her how adored she is. Or just stop fighting with your toddler and change his diaper standing up.
2. Reclaim the times each day that stress you.
Bedtime? Getting out of the house in the morning? Write out a routine for that time of day that works for both you and your child. Post it, complete with photos for your child. Keep refining it until you can enjoy it stress-free. Make sure you include something you LOVE doing, whether that’s the bedtime snuggle or a family hug and blessing in the morning before you head out the door.
"I now find myself looking forward to the busy time in the morning when we're getting on coats and shoes and leaving for school because we've made it a time for fun and connection. The 3 children take turns running into my arms to get a big hug from me, then I help them with shoes/coats after I catch them, then we race to get in the car or bike and we pretend that it's a plane or boat...we laugh and have so much fun ...and we start our day happy! It used to be a stressful time of day when I would yell at them, they would not cooperate, and I'd get angry and stressed out. What a difference!"
3. Accept “faults” as foibles by cultivating a sense of humor and affection about them.
Research shows that couples who have been happily married for a long time have learned to see each other’s faults as endearing foibles. What would it take for you to accept your child’s challenging behavior as just another endearing part of this wonderful small person you love so much? For example, you could see your child as stubborn, or you could appreciate that he never gives up, and learn to manage that. Cultivate a sense of humor, an awareness that she’s still growing and changing, a commitment to seeing things from her point of view, and an appreciation that your child's weaknesses are the flip side of their strengths.
4. Redefine Productivity.
It's true that when you have a child, you get a lot less done. But pressuring yourself to be more productive so that you can be closer to perfect is a losing game. Perfectionism doesn't make you closer to perfect. It just lessens the love you feel, the love you give, and the love you inspire in others. If you try to "do it all," what matters most will probably fall off your list. Most of what's on your to-do list won't matter next year, or even next month. But those moments that make your heart melt with your child will matter for the rest of her life, more than you can imagine. Move them to the top of your to-do list, let go of your self-judgment, and learn to say No to lesser things.
5. Find the silver lining.
Is your son managing to hold it together at school all day, but gets ornery or melts down when you pick him up? He feels safe enough to bring all his pent-up emotions to you for healing at the end of the day, and your empathy is helping him learn how to handle his emotions in a healthy way. Is your daughter impossibly strong-willed? You won't have to worry about peer pressure!
There is always something to be grateful for, even in the hardest times.
The real silver lining is that you're lucky enough to have this emerging human entrusted to your loving care, and every time you act with love you're stretching your own heart to let more love in. Ultimately, loving our children is what heals us. And that can transform everything.
"Looked at from a spiritual standpoint, our discomfort in any given situation provides a signal that we are out of alignment with spiritual law and are being given an opportunity to heal something." -- Colin C. Tipping
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How's your self care going? This is the penultimate post in our series on nurturing yourself while raising your child, Self Care: The Secret of the Full Cup. Watch for the wrap-up next week!
This is the final post in our series on self care: The Secret of the Full Cup.
The full series:
#1 - The Secret of the Full Cup: Self Care
#2- Ten Stress Busting Strategies for Parents
#3 - Five Ways To Nurture Yourself while Nurturing Your Child
#4 - Let's Get Physical: 20 Exercise Ideas for Parents and Kids
#6 - If You Don't Feed Your Hungry Heart, How Can You Feed Your Kids?
#7 - Five Steps to Get Re-Energized
#8 - Want to Feel More Alive? Take the Stone Out of Your Shoe
