4 year old focuses on the negative
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Hi Dr. Laura,
I have a 4 1/2 year old girl who on the whole is just a delight. Happy. No dramas. No issues. However when I ask her how she went at kindy, or how
was her play with Evie, or tell me something you did at child care today, she will always begin with a negative. I do change my questioning to
be more positive and open, I may ask, "Tell me who you played with at kindy?" She will respond, "no one wanted to play with me."
I know this is not true. Or, "What was something good that happened?" She will just focus on the negative. I know she has a wonderful
time at all these places and is well liked, etc. Why does she do it? How can I steer her to focus on the good and positive?
Thank you!
Most likely, your daughter actually does have some concerns, since four year olds are in a developmental stage where they are dealing with a lot of big stuff (peer issues, exclusion, power, death.) Since she doesn't act out with drama, you're lucky! But she still has to express those feelings somewhere. She is probably so happy to have an opportunity to off-load her anxieties to someone safe that she just uses the opportunity to vent. You won't believe how awful my day was! After she vents, she is probably able to notice the positive things, and share those also.
I would not try to steer her to the positive until you have empathized with what she's saying. She is telling you something that is real to her.
"No one wanted to play with me."
"Wow, really? That couldn't have felt good. What happened then? "
Focus on how she felt, what she chose to do, how that worked out for her. IF it turned out well ("Yes, Jenny and I ended up playing after I went over to her") then you can affirm how she took the initiative to meet her needs, which will empower her. Every child faces tough things, and learning that they have the inner resources to handle those situations is a huge gift. If you comment on what she did that saved the situation for her, she will begin to feel more confident that not only does life turn out okay, but she can make that happen by taking action.
If it did not turn out well ("No, Mom, no one ever wants to play with me....I played by myself") then you can empathize and show interest in how it turned out for her: "That can be lonely....But sometimes it is fun to play by yourself....What did you play?" Listen, empathize, and then ask what she might choose to do tomorrow, and what she thinks might happen then. Every day doesn't have to be perfect. Maybe with your understanding, she will feel strong enough to do something different next time.
I understand your fear that she is being negative. But I think she is sharing her experience with you. You don't want to argue with her experience. You want her to learn that life has challenges, and that's okay -- she has someone to listen, and to support her through them. And she has the inner resources to make things better for herself!
It's entirely possible that your daughter is a "glass half empty" kind of person, but that can change. You'll find more helpful tips in my article on optimism.
Good luck!
Dr. Laura
