Playdate Disasters: Two year old hits and screams at playmates
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Hi Dr. Markham,
Your emails are often exactly what I need to
hear for that day and I really appreciate your insight and guidance. I
printed off your email about not having a Martha Stewart Christmas and
have put it in our Christmas decoration box so I can remind myself
what's really important before the rush begins next year.
I have a 2
1/2 year old daughter and a 1 year old son and the last six months have
been pretty tough as we bought a new house but had six months living in
limbo before we could move in. I feel like I lost control of Sophia
and she's gone from being very caring and calm to tantrums and not
listening. I'm at the point where I dread playdates because she
inevitably ends up hitting or screaming and I wonder where my sweet
little girl went. (I feel pretty burnt out and I'm sure she wonders
where her playful and patient mommy went.) Do you have a book or any
tips you could recommend in this situation for us to get back on
track? I have decided to be a stay at home mum and I want to make sure
I'm giving my children the best parenting I can but often wonder what
I'm adding when the melt downs start.
Thanks for all your help.
I'm betting that your Sophia has a lot of feelings from the past six
months of instability, having a new baby brother, and the stress on her
Mommy. I think she hits and screams at her playmates because kids find
playing with peers stressful (even if exiting) and it is just more than
she can handle.
My advice would be:
1. Center yourself. Find ways on a
daily basis to restore your joyful, playful, patient self. You owe
your kids the best of yourself, not the rest of yourself. Taking care
of you is essential to raising well-adjusted kids.
2. Find ways to let your little girl have a good cry or two and see
if her behavior changes. Tantrums are nature's way of discharging
upsetting emotions. How? Wait until a time when you can really focus
on Sophia, for instance when the baby is asleep or another adult is
there to tend to him. Set a limit with Sophia that is normal. Be
kindly but firm. When she starts to tantrum, meet her tantrum with
kindness. "You're mad and sad. It's ok to cry. I will stay with you.
I'm right here. You can get all your angries and sads out." She will
probably cry harder, or even rage. If you can hold her, do so, but if
she is too angry to be held, just stay nearby and keep talking with
her. Releasing all these feelings is only possible because of your
attentive acceptance. Once she finishes crying, she will either be
tired or cheerful. She will want to reconnect with you, and she will
probably not want to talk about her meltdown. Spend some time
snuggling. She may need to "discharge" like this more than once but I
think you will see a marked improvement in her cooperativeness and
cheerfulness, as well as her peer relations.
3. Connect with Sophia daily in a low-key, very loving way. Make sure you get plenty of snuggle time.
4. Read my answer to a mom who wrote to me about her two year old hitting other kids.
You might also want to listen to my radio interview with Dr. Larry Cohen, who wrote "Playful Parenting." This
is a fantastic book about how ordinary parents can use play to
reconnect with their kids and help them work through stress and
upsets. The show is posted soon on my radio podcast page.
I hope this helps!
Good luck-
Dr. Laura
