True Grit: Building Resilience in Everyday Life

Resilient children still get disappointed. They still fail. They still feel sad, frustrated, embarrassed, anxious, and discouraged.

The difference is that they learn they can survive those feelings and move forward. Learn more in our Resilience Guide, which brings together practical tools for helping children handle setbacks, disappointment, and adversity.

Parents are often told that frustration is good for kids, since when they grow up the world will be full of frustrations. That's a bit like saying that it's a cold, cruel world so your child should learn to sleep without blankets.

What we really want is to raise kids who have the resilience to find or make blankets (and to create a warmer world where everyone can find blankets!) Resilience doesn’t come from being toughened up or thrown into the deep end. It comes from learning that even when things go wrong, you can pick yourself up, try again, and succeed—with support.

How do children develop that kind of resilience? If you're new to the topic, you may want to start with The Secret of Raising a Resilient Child, which explains how resilience develops and why connection is its foundation. This article gives you practical ways to help your child build resilience day by day.

1. Remember that failure does not build resilience.

It has become a commonplace idea that failure builds resilience. But when children fail over and over and don't have the support to keep trying, all they learn is that they're failures. Experiencing disappointment or failure is only half the picture. Resilience comes not from failing, but from the experience of learning that even when everything goes wrong, you can keep going and ultimately succeed. That requires at least some experience of success, and lots of emotional support.

We all learn from overcoming challenges, but we learn best when we also experience success, which motivates us to tackle more difficult challenges. Failure without support sets up a cycle of lack of confidence, giving up, and more failure. Mastery, on the other hand, begets mastery.

Children don't become resilient because bad things happen to them.

They become resilient when they experience challenges and discover that they can recover.

A child who repeatedly fails without support learns hopelessness.

A child who struggles, receives support, and eventually succeeds learns resilience.

2. Don't be afraid of your child's difficult feelings.

When your child encounters frustration, remember that your empathy will be a critical factor in his overcoming it. Instead of automatically jumping in to remove the source of the frustration, give it a larger context by communicating your compassion that he has to encounter this circumstance:

• "I'm sorry this is so hard..." 
• "It's really disappointing when...." 
• "This isn't how you hoped it would turn out..."

Disappointment is not dangerous.

Frustration is not dangerous.

Sadness is not dangerous.

It's okay for children to get frustrated and to be disappointed. Your child may cry and sulk all day, but when their feelings are met with empathy instead of dismissal, they learn that emotions are manageable. 

Once she's done grieving, she'll be ready to pull herself together to try again the next day, especially when you express your confidence in her. That's how children develop resilience.

3. Respond to setbacks with empathy.

When your child is disappointed, resist the urge to immediately fix the problem or talk them out of their feelings.

Instead:

"I'm sorry this is so hard."

"That's really disappointing."

"You were hoping it would go differently."

Empathy helps children process difficult experiences and move through them.

4. Teach self-encouragement.

Research shows that children who "talk" themselves through challenges stay calmer and are therefore able to persevere when the going gets tough. Help them develop an inner voice that says:

• "I can keep trying."
• "Mistakes help me learn."
• "Practice makes perfect!"
• "If you don't succeed, try, try again!"
• "I think I can, I think I can!"
• "This is hard, but I can do hard things."

When your son goofs a piece on the piano and has to start over, or your daughter strikes out with the bases loaded, they need an automatic internal comforting voice to encourage and motivate them, not that harsh, self-disparaging voice.

Over time, your encouraging voice becomes their inner voice.

5. Protect opportunities for autonomous play.

When children play without adults directing every moment, they encounter countless challenges:

• disagreements
• boredom
• frustration
• uncertainty
• problem-solving

Each challenge becomes an opportunity to build inner resourcefulness—the sense that “I can handle this,” even when things go wrong. Over time, kids gain confidence in their ability to solve problems, navigate relationships, and bounce back from setbacks.

Autonomous play is one of childhood's most powerful resilience-builders.

6. Balance support and independence.

Children need both roots and wings.

Too much protection prevents growth.

Too little support creates overwhelm.

Resilience develops when children know:

"I can try this myself."

and also

"Help is available if I need it."

7. Don't set your child up for extra frustration.

Your child will naturally develop the ability to handle increasing amounts of frustration and anxiety as he attempts more difficult challenges. But those frustrations are inherent in growing up and are guaranteed aplenty in life. There is no benefit whatsoever to setting your child up for extra frustration or negative experience. In fact, he will see your doing so as evidence of your lack of caring, which is always translated in his mind as his lack of value, and which therefore undermines his resilience.

So when your child is facing a challenge that feels daunting, from cleaning up the spilled milk to starting his history report, see yourself as his companion. Don't do it for him, but go with him, the same way you would if your three year old was afraid of a dark room. And when your child does encounter frustration, remember that your empathy will be a critical factor in his overcoming it.

Resilience is not toughness.

It is the confidence that comes from experience:

"I've faced hard things before."

"I've recovered before."

"I can recover again."

Children develop resilience when they experience challenge, connection, support, and the opportunity to try again.

To learn more about the foundations of resilience, read The Secret of Raising a Resilient Child.

You can also explore the full Resilience Guide for more resources on optimism, competence, perfectionism, and helping children bounce back from life's challenges.