Struggling to Peacefully Parent Two Defiant Toddlers
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Dr. Laura,
I've read several articles from your website that have helped me handle my toddlers (ages 2 & 3) better during an extremely rough time right now (for both them and me). I lovingly try to set healthy limits, hold them through the tantrums, and give them words for their emotions ("I know you don't want to do this, but throwing/hitting/insert behavior here…"). But now when I lovingly try to set healthy limits, they both just start screaming "I don't want to!" They have also started running from me and fighting me which they did not do before. All of this has started as a result of practicing the gentle parent approach.
The thing is that my daughter does not cry. She screams and shows anger, and whines loudly, but I don't see her coming to real tears. In fact, I feel like she would rather fight me just so that I hold and comfort her later. Especially when I go out of my way to hold and touch her as often as I can during the day.
All this pushes me beyond the borders of my patience, especially when it seems like my daughter is doing these things purposefully to anger me. Is there anything on your site that addresses behavior changes directly related to the new way parents start relating to kids when they begin peaceful parenting? I feel like I see some positive changes, but then other I feel like I am just making things worse.
Thank you!
This sounds so hard! I know that you didn’t start parenting peacefully to have your kids act worse. Don’t worry, this is a phase, and you can make it pass more quickly.
The reason your children are now fighting and resisting is that they are not cowed, because they are not as frightened. This is actually a good thing and a direct result of the shift you are making not to punish and to use more peaceful parenting strategies. I understand it is difficult when your children refuse to do something you ask them to do and you can change that response by focusing on staying connected with your empathy, both while setting limits and the rest of the time.
You mentioned that your daughter doesn’t cry and will try to run from you and start a fight with you. You’re right, she IS purposely doing things to anger you. She is going into fight mode. She’s doing that because the best defense is a good offense. She doesn't want to feel all those sad, mad, scary feelings that have built up, and that are now coming up to be healed as she feels the warmth of your compassion and empathy. So she starts a fight.
The key here is NOT to fight back. Just sidestep that by staying patient. In the heat of the moment, back off whatever you want them to do (that they are saying "I don't want to" about), just temporarily. Instead, empathize with whatever emotion they are expressing. "You are so mad that you want to hit/ throw. You can be as mad as you want, and you can tell me in words...You can stomp your foot to show me...And I won't let you hurt anyone....I think you are sad inside, too, because I said no (or "it's time for bed" or whatever). It is so hard when you want x and I say no..."
Kids respond to that empathy by crying. After they cry, they are more cooperative because they showed you those feelings and are no longer stuck in them. They can move on.
Yes, this approach is really hard. I wish it were easy. The reason it's so hard, as you say, is that it is so hard to manage our own emotions. When your patience is already wearing thin, the most important thing to do is to breathe and reframe things to see it from her point of view, so that you actually feel more compassion. The compassion will be healing to you and to her.
You will find more helpful tips in the post 13 Tips to Transition to Peaceful Parenting. And my book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, will lead you through this transition. Hope this helps!
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