What to Do When Your Older Child Hits Your Toddler: A Step-by-Step Script

Watching one child hurt another is every parent's nightmare. When your older child hits your younger one—especially when the younger child is too young to explain what happened—it's easy to feel shocked, angry, or heartbroken. Most of us instinctively reach for consequences, hoping they'll prevent it from happening again.

But while punishment may stop the behavior in the moment, it rarely teaches children the skills they need to handle the feelings that led to the hitting in the first place. Children don't learn empathy because they're punished. They learn empathy by being helped to understand the impact of their actions, express their own feelings safely, and repair the relationship they've damaged.

In the situation below, a four-year-old punches his two-year-old brother because the younger child is crying for Mom. Rather than focusing on punishment, the parent's goal is to help both children feel heard, understand what happened, and learn a better way to handle a similar situation next time.

The younger child may not have many words yet, but he still deserves to have his experience acknowledged. Helping him "tell" his side of the story teaches him that his feelings matter while helping his older brother see the consequences of his actions. At the same time, the older child is given the chance to express what overwhelmed him, practice a better response, and repair the relationship.

This conversation takes time. But as children experience this kind of coaching again and again, they begin to develop the emotional skills to solve many sibling conflicts with much less adult help.

The first step is to comfort the child who is crying, and change his clothes. This gives the parent a chance to calm down, which is the only way to connect with the older child without seeing him as the enemy. Then you would sit on the floor with one boy on either side of you. Let's say Sam is almost two, and Jake is four. Sam and Jake are calm now, too. If they aren't, you'll need to help them calm down separately enough that they can talk to each other. It might go like this:

Mom: You were both pretty upset before. Can you tell me what was going on, Jake?

Jake: I punched Sam because he was crying and it made me mad.

Mom: Wow! Sam, is that right? Jake punched you? Ouch! No wonder you were crying and threw up. How did you feel?

Sam: Ouch!

Mom: Yes, ouch! You were hurting! Your body hurt. And it sounds like maybe you were scared, too. Sometimes when we're scared, we throw up.

Sam: Ouch!

Mom: Yes, that hurt. Can you tell your brother how you felt when he hit you?

Sam: (to Jake) Ouch! No!

Mom: You're telling your brother "No! Don't hurt me!" (Turning to Jake.) Jake, did you hear your brother?

Jake: Yeah.

Mom: What is he telling you?

Jake: That it hurt?

Mom: That's right. He says NO, don't hurt me like that. Look at his face. He was pretty upset, wasn't he?

Jake: Yeah.

Mom: You need to listen to his words. You can't hurt someone's body like that.

Jake: (looking down) Can we stop talking about this?

Mom: I know it's upsetting to talk about this. I know you feel bad about it. You must have been pretty upset to punch your brother. What happened?

Jake: He was yelling for you. That made me mad.

Mom: So when he started yelling for me, it really bothered you?

Jake: Yeah. He wouldn't stop.

Mom: Sounds like it really upset you. Did you ask him to stop?

Jake: I told him to stop but he didn't. He's such a crybaby.

Mom: It sounds like when he needs me, it really bothers you.....Did that make you miss me, too?

Jake: I'm not a baby!

Mom: No, but all kids can miss their mom. So sometimes when a two year old cries because he misses his mom, bigger kids can get upset because they miss her too.

Jake: I just wanted him to stop.

Mom: How did that feel?

Jake: Like I just couldn't stand it any more.

Mom: I hear you. It can be really hard to listen to someone cry. So let me see if I've got this right. When Sam cried for me, it bothered you so much that you just wanted him to stop. You couldn't stand it. You didn't know what to do.

Jake: Yeah.

Mom: And you asked him to stop, and he wouldn't?

Jake: So I punched him.

Mom: I see. What do you think about punching him?

Jake: It was bad.

Mom: Why?

Jake: Because now I get a timeout?

Mom: No, it was bad because it hurt your brother. Did you see how upset he was?

Jake: Yeah.

Mom: I hear you were very upset. But hitting is NEVER okay. I won't let you hurt your brother like that.

Jake: But he has to stop crying when I tell him.

Mom: Did hitting him make him stop crying?

Jake: No.

Mom: So hitting doesn't stop him from crying. It makes him cry more! I bet you can figure out a better way to handle it when he cries.

Jake: I could go in the other room?

Mom: YES! Great idea!

Jake: But I was eating lunch. I didn't want to leave.

Mom: Of course. I understand. And I hear that you really don't like it when Sam cries. That's really hard for you. But Sam is allowed to cry. What else can you do when he cries, if it bothers you -- besides leave the room or hit him?

Jake: I don't know.

Mom: Could you help him feel better?

Jake: You mean hug him?

Mom: Sure, that's a great idea! Do you think that would help?

Jake: Not when he really wants you.

Mom: Could you tell him I'll be right back?

Jake: I did. It didn't help.

Mom: Good for you for trying that! I guess he was just really upset. What about helping him find me?

Jake: You mean come outside?

Mom: Well, you're tall and strong now. You can open the back door. And your voice is loud. Do you think you could open the door and call for me?

Jake: Yes, I can call you loud!

Mom: And do you think you could hold Sam's hand, so he is less upset?

Jake: I guess so. But not if he's crying too loud. I can't stand that.

Mom: I see what you mean. So maybe you could help Sam feel better by holding his hand, and telling him that I will be right back, and hugging him.... but if that didn't work, you could call for me?

Jake:Yes! Will you come when I call?

Mom: I will always come when you call. I am always there to help you and Sam. (Hugs him.) Do you think you can remember this next time Sam cries?

Jake: Remember what?

Mom: To call me, instead of hitting.

Jake: I guess so.

Mom: Can we practice it? Come on, Sam. We're going to try a "do-over." (Takes boys to back door.) Okay, Sam, pretend you're crying.

Sam looks at her blankly.

Mom: Okay, Jake, we will just pretend he's crying, okay? What can you do now?

Jake: Sam, stop crying. Mommy is coming soon. (Looks at mom.) What do I do now?

Mom: Well, what did we talk about?

Jake: Oh, I can open the door! (Opens door and yells loudly) MOMMY! Sam needs you!

Mom: Oh my, I will be right there! (Hugs both boys). I am right here, Sam. And Jake, thank you so much for helping your brother. That's the great thing about having a brother -- to take care of each other! I am so impressed that you were able to stay calm and yell for me. And look how happy your brother is that you helped him get me. Thank you!

Jake beams. Sam beams.

Mom: So, Jake, remember how upset Sam was before, when you hit him?

Jake winces.

Mom:I wonder what you could do to repair things with Sam, so he feels better again?

Jake: I could have a timeout?

Mom: I don't think a timeout makes your brother feel better. And I don't think it teaches you anything. I think you already know what to do next time, and you just showed me. So I am very happy about that. I just want to be sure that things are repaired with your brother.

Jake: You mean, like, apologize to him? I hate that.

Mom:I know you hate apologizing. Apologizing is hard. I don't think you have to apologize until you're ready. But I do think you have to find a way to repair things with your brother, because you broke your relationship a little when you hit him. So you need to help him feel safe with you again. He needs to know you won't hit him again. Are you ready to tell him that?

Jake: (looking down and mumbling) I won't hit you if you don't cry.

Mom: Jake, everyone is allowed to cry. Everyone needs to cry sometimes. So you can't hit him even if he cries. But you can always come get me and I will help. Is that a deal? (Holds out her hand for Jake to shake.)

Jake: (shaking hands) Okay.

Mom: Jake, this isn't to punish you. It's to help your brother feel safe again. Here's how we do it. (Kneeling and looking into Jake's eyes) Jake, I will never hurt your body....See? Do you think you could tell your brother?

Jake: (to Sam) "Okay. Sam, I will try to not hurt your body. I still don't like it when you cry."

Sam:(in Jake's face) No!

Jake: Okay, okay, I won't hurt your body.

Mom: Yay! Sam, do you hear Jake?

Jake: No!

Mom: That's right, no hurting! Jake, Sam still seems a little sad and mad. I wonder what else you could do to repair things with him?

Jake: Like a hug?

Mom: A hug sounds great! Or maybe you could play with him a little. You know he loves it when you play cars with him. Or you could play ball with him, he loves that. Whatever you think would make him feel better, and repair your relationship where you broke it when you hit him.

Jake: I could play cars with him. I would even let him have the dump truck. Would that repair him?

Mom: Sounds great to me! Do you want to ask him if he'd like that?

Jake: (to Sam) Do you want to play cars? You can have the dump truck.

Sam: (beaming) Dumpty!

Jake: Yes, Dumpty! (Runs to get the dump truck.)

Sam: (Running after him) Dumpty!

Time consuming? Yes. But within a couple of months, your kids will learn to do most of this for themselves. Their ability to express their needs and work things out peaceably will increase dramatically. And your stress will go way down, given that sibling conflict is one of the biggest stressors for most parents. Putting the time in to help your kids learn to work things out might be the best investment you ever make.

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