Navigating Rudeness and Big Emotions in Teens
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Dr. Laura,
I have a bright 14-year-old who is just beginning to assert her independence and separate from our family—gravitating more toward her peers and spending more time on her own. Lately, this has shown up as arguing, ignoring requests, seeming laziness, and reading for hours at a time. Although she continues to be a high achiever in most areas of her life. Part of me welcomes this change, knowing it’s important for her to develop judgment and take responsibility for her own choices. At the same time, I’ll admit I’ve been a bit of a helicopter mom, and I’m struggling with this shift, especially the rudeness and emotional intensity.
I know I’ve done my best to prepare her and have started to set boundaries for this next stage. Still, I remember how much my own mother worried about me at this age, and it feels even more complicated now than it did 35 years ago. I was a much more stoic teen, whereas my daughter reacts strongly even to small things, and her emotions run high. I worry about her ability to cope with stress both now and in the future and I feel anxious thinking about her starting high school next fall.
How can I better handle this transition and support her without overstepping?
—Kerry
Dear Kerry,
Thanks for writing. You're right that 14-year-old's do need to grow into their own person, and it's great that you're supportive of your daughter
doing so. At the same time, you're modeling relationships for her, and you don't want to give her the idea that it's ok to be rude. Here are a few
thoughts that might help.
1. I have noticed (and I have a 15-year-old daughter) that they get more reasonable as they get older,
as long as we manage our own emotions. In other
words, every early adolescent gets emotional and loses it. If we respond by losing it ourselves, they do more of it. If we can respond instead by taking
a deep breath and reminding ourselves to see things from their point of view, they can more easily manage their own emotions.
2. Young adolescents often do get very emotional as they argue their points,
because their identity is on the line. What a great opportunity for them
to learn that they can have their own views that are different from ours, that we will listen and learn and love them no less. Of course, it's important
in those discussions that we be able to keep our own emotions calm so that we keep the discussion safe.
3. Does that mean we should ignore rudeness?
Often, in the heat of the moment. Meaning that if things are very overheated, I would probably ignore the rudeness until things were calm. At the moment I would focus on whatever my child was trying to tell me, that they were so upset about. But I would definitely bring it up later, because I would not want my child thinking rudeness was ok. And if things are not so overheated, I would bring it up right then: "Ouch! You must be so upset to be rude to me. I don't talk to you that way. What's going on?" Here's an article on this topic: What To Do When Your Kid Talks Back.
4. My daughter also would rather read for hours than do anything else.
I have learned that she is in her own world then, and experiences it as a welcome
relief from the social and other pressures that otherwise are so overpowering in their lives at this age. She really does not hear me if I try to speak
to her when she is reading. So I have taken to sitting down next to her on the couch and saying her name. Once she looks up at me, I begin talking.
I find that otherwise she will agree to a request I make but won't really take it in. Once we are in physical contact, I can make an agreement about
when she will do what I am requesting. Sort of like getting a toddler to take his bath, except I don't have to fly her book up the stairs!
5. High School, I realize, is a big transition,
but your daughter is growing up fast and she will be able to handle it just as all kids do.
If you are worried about her starting high school it would be great for you to talk with another parent (including your daughter's other parent) so
that you can clarify for yourself exactly what you are worried about. Was your own high school experience not a good one? Do your concerns accurately
reflect your daughter? If there are specific things that concern you (will she be able to handle the subway? the work? the social scene?) maybe you
can explore with other parents how their kids have navigated these things, and you'll feel some reassurance. In any case, you'll want to manage your
own anxieties sufficiently so that you don't visit them on your daughter, and you can listen to her concerns without becoming anxious yourself.
I hope this is helpful. You might want to take a little time with the Early Teen section
of my website as well; I address the issue of teens beginning to prefer their peers' company, staying connected, etc.
I don't know your daughter, but I do know that even within a year, teens mature so rapidly. We think they're not ready, and we look back a year later
amazed at their maturity. As the mother of a nineteen year old as well as a fifteen year old, I can tell you that the teen years can be absolutely
wonderful, and they pass far too quickly. Enjoy your daughter in these last years while she is still home with you and open to your influence.
Dr. Laura
